A BEAR (fig. 1) HAS JUST ENTERED MY HOME, WHAT DO I DO?

Remain calm, stay where you are, carefully put down the salmon and/or honey, stop singing show tunes and lie still. Just be patient, if unprovoked a bear will most likely leave after a couple of hours of going through your stuff and eating your food. If the bear attacks, go out fighting. People who win a fight with a bear get a free large drink with the purchase of a large roast beef sandwich at any Arbys™. You should concentrate on the eyes and nose. Avoid the mouth, it is full of sharp, pointy teeth.

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fig. 1 BEAR