TELEVISION'S MAX BAER JR. (fig. 1) HAS JUST ENTERED MY HOME, WHAT DO I DO?

Remain calm, stay where you are, carefully put down the vittles, stop singing show tunes and lie still. Just be patient, if unprovoked Max Baer Jr. will most likely leave after a couple of hours of going through your stuff and eating your food. If Max Baer Jr. attacks, go out fighting. People who win a fight with a Max Baer Jr. get a free large drink with the purchase of a large roast beef sandwich at any Arbys™. You should concentrate on the eyes and nose. Avoid the mouth, it is full of sharp, pointy teeth.

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fig. 1
MAX BAER JR.